


Rewind

by seokhui



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, i guess, i'm sorry this is total trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 02:41:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7149404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seokhui/pseuds/seokhui
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seokmin's got maybe a week left, and it breaks Soonyoung.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rewind

Seokmin tells him with a smile. About the goddamn tumor in his goddam stomach that was scheduled to be taken out in eight goddamn days. He's honest about his chances of making it out of the surgery room, too, which would be a lot bigger if he hadn't hidden the pain until it was almost too late. Stupid Seokminie. His smileHis smile never faulters either, as if he were the happiest man to ever walk the Earth, but Soonyoung can read right through his stiff shoulders and clenched fingers, and he's pissed (not at Seokmin, no, though he tries).

"It's okay," Seokmin says, smiling even wider if possible, and Soonyoung wants to scream right into his face to drop that dumb façade, because he _knows_ that's what it is, but doesn't. Instead, he pulls the younger into his arms, and even though they're both clawing at each other's shirts, none of them cries. "We've still got a week, Soonyoungie".

Soonyoung's breath hitches in his throat. They stay like that for a long time, trying to let everything sink in, until it hits Soonyoung that they've _only_ got a week, and it _hurts_ , but they have to do something with it. He puts a hand on either side of Seokmin's face, squishing his cheeks before planting a kiss on his lips. "Yeah," Soonyoung starts, testing his own voice, "let's make it the best of our lives".

 

* * *

 

Soonyoung suggests they go out for dinner for today, and he doesn't need to think a lot about where to go, though he keeps it a secret. Seokmin drives, because Soonyoung's hands haven't stopped shaking yet, so he just points out the way instead, wanting it to be special and wondering if Seokmin even remembers the place.

He does, apparently, because his hands fall from the steering wheel when Soonyoung tells him to pull over in front of a simple old burguer place they haven't been to in years.

"You're unbelievable," Seokmin breathes out as they walk in and settle onto the same spot from those years ago, when Soonyoung proposed that they moved in together with a 'this is as close to married as we'll ever get to be' and Seokmin - his Seokminie, the man he lived and loved and always would, the one thing he dreaded losing - kissed the hell out of his face right then and there at the implication of the words. This time though, neither of their smiles reach their eyes.

"I love you," Soonyoung whispers while they're waiting for their order, and Seokmin answers by squeezing his hand tighter. It doesn't really feel like the end, not yet, for either of them, so Soonyoung lets himself pretend for a moment that it's not a week, that he heard it wrong and it's actually a month, a year, a decade and much more. Hell, maybe they'll still get all that time together. And for now, maybe is enough.

 

* * *

 

Maybe doesn't stay for long.

It's Soonyoung who drives them back, one hand in Seokmin's the whole time. The other doesn't see his tears, too busy doubled over from the pain in his tummy acting up again. God, Soonyoung hates the fucking thing, hates seeing the love of his live like that and, most of all, hates himself for not being able to do anything to stop it. He solemnly ignores Seokmin's protests that 'I can handle myself, it's fine' and half carries him inside and into bed, running off for a moment to grab these new painkillers Seokmin got at the hospital and a glass of water.

Seokmin lays back down after drinking it all down, and Soonyoung leaves his side for a moment to grab a post-it note and scribble a shaky '7' before sticking it to the wall above the bed. Seokmin watches, and attempts a smile. It fails.

"I'm sorry," he confides to Soonyoung's chest once they're both settled under the covers, and Soonyoung adds the words to the list of things he hates about today.

'Shut up,' he thinks. "Just go to sleep, baby," is what he says, following soon after, mentally and emotionally exhausted with fingers still threaded in Seokmin's hair.

 

* * *

 

Soonyoung does his best to keep his promise, and fills his week with Seokmin, Seokmin, _Seokmin._ He takes him  out every single day, giving the world a last taste of what, Soonyoung thinks, is the best human being to ever walk its grounds, and feels afloat every second their hands aren't connected.

Seokmin laughs and smiles most of the time - save for the few occasions where the thing inside him (Soonyoung's taken not to name it, deciding that anything that dares touch his Seokminie does not deserve a name) gets angry - and Soonyoung thinks there probably isn't anything more beautiful out there. He cries though, for the first time that week, when on their seventh day Soonyoung takes him to the karaoke where they first met, the best day in human history. "I love you so much," Seokmin says once, twice, three times and Soonyoung looses count. Even between sobs, Soonyoung thinks Seokmin is the best, most talented singer in the universe.

Later that night, Soonyoung is careful. He doesn't want to risk hurting Seokmin anymore than he's already hurting, but "Please, Soonyoungie, one last time." It's slow, and sad, their kisses taste of tears and every touch feels like goodbye. That little moment of bliss comes slowly, and is quick to leave.

It's the first time Soonyoung breaks, staring into Seokmin's sleeping face after they're both cleaned up, when he realizes how much he doesn't want to lose Seokmin, how much he  _can't_ lose him, and Soonyoung cries, cries with everything they didn't get to do together, every place they still haven't visited, every word that has gone unsaid. He cries because it's too late, because he was too caught up in the happiness that is Lee Seokmin to even think that it could end like that, because after everything life has thrown at them they don't _deserve_ this, and he cries because what is there for him in a world without his Seokminie? It hurts, and Soonyoung cries, sobs, bites his pillow until early hours of the morning, when exhaustion finally takes him and he dreams of warm sunlight and music.

 

* * *

  

Soonyoung wakes up to Seokmin sitting on the edge of the bed with his back turned, already dressed. Soonyoung raises a hand to touch him just as "I'm scared, Soonyoungie" breaks the silence, and it's the second time Soonyoung breaks, wondering just how much more he can take.

There's a lot of things Soonyoung wants to say. 'We'll be okay'. 'There's nothing to be scared of'. 'You'll be back home in no time'. But he stays silent, sitting up to wrap his arms around his Seokmin's waist, wishing with every cell in his body that there was a way to freeze time like that. Seokmin grips Soonyoung's hands over his stomach like his life depends on it. Soonyoung wishes it did.

"We should go," Seokmin says in a tiny voice, the first time he sounds so broken in all the years they've know each other, and Soonyoung agrees, each arm feeling about a ton heavier as he gets dressed. There are no tears today.

The way to the hospital is way too short, and when Seokmin is taken away so they can "prepare him for surgery," each word like a punch, Soonyoung feels as if his own heart is being ripped out of his chest. Soonyoung hates the clock on the wall and the way it ticks, hates the white walls, the smell of alcohol, and by the time one of the nurses calls him back into the room he already hates everything and everyone that is not Lee Seokmin.

'This is it,' Soonyoung tells himself, and at that moment he's knows it's the end, trying to bury that little part of his mind that still stupidly dares to hope. "It's weird," Seokmin tells him, pulling at the edges of his hospital gown. Soonyoung stops him by entwining their fingers, squeezing until their knuckles are white. There are a lot of things to be said, but every word dies in their throats. Soonyoung puts his forehead to Seokmin's, hoping that all that overwhelming love he feels tearing at his guts is visible in his eyes. They kiss. One long, desperate kiss, and the knowledge that he'll never feel those lips again might actually kill Soonyoung.

It's a lifetime and only a second before they have to part and Soonyoung is being asked if he wants to 'accompany the patient to the surgery room', but "I'm sorry, Seokmin-ah, I can't do it," and Seokmin _smiles._

"Thanks for loving me, Soonyoungie."

That's the third and last time Soonyoung breaks.

 

* * *

 

 

He's still broken two days later, wearing a black suit that might as well have been made of lead, with Junhui and Jihoon on each side. There are lots of other people there too, but Soonyoung could care less about their names or faces. He stares into Seokmin's stilll face, darkness where the sunlight used to be, and wonders if it'll ever get better. Probably not, Soonyoung decides, but he'll make it. For Seokmin.

**Author's Note:**

> *feels ashamed*
> 
> this is crossposted on aff ;)


End file.
